Up River, Down River... What's the Difference?

I have encouraged everyone involved to feel free and jot down a few thoughts about either adventure or any combination of them.  I am extremely pleased to have one of the Fab Four pioneers weighing in.  Seth's father, my Uncle and all of our comrade in Canoeing:  Harry.

The boys did it, well they are far from boys, but I am a lot farther from being a boy.  I am one of the old guys that tried this stupid “enjoyable” trip 41years ago, not a typo 41 years.  “ Wow “  a lot of water under the bridge since then , pun intended.  The old guys were 19, 19, 23 and 27, the youngest in the New group of Men was 30.  They had colder weather 40ish degrees vs. 75-85 degrees but we endured. 

  They had tents which according to them along with many other things, may not have been invented yet.  They had cell phones and maps, we had canoes and some beer, ok plenty of beer, we replenished once to ensure we had enough for the trip.  It was enough.  We were younger and arguably more foolish than these “boys”.  We knew everything and we knew to just follow the river.

  This being said by the guy who, when first entering the water went the wrong way, not necessarily on purpose.  We did a nice circle and headed down (oh hence the term downstream) now I got it.  I was in the front of the canoe paddling when I learned “pick a side, any f***ing side just pick a side” to row on.  I hadn’t been in a canoe before and learned something every day.

How bad could this be? Paddle a little, drink a cold beverage and relax.  I will let the new guys explain how that worked out for them we fared no better.

There were no modern conviences along the way (showers, TOILETS, beds) and I guess that hasn’t changed.  I didn’t have false expectations but it would have been nice if it had been invented.

I do want to say that we are very proud of these men, it was an accomplishment that can never be taken from them.  Some of these guys, although related some way or another, were strangers in many ways.  It is obvious to me they worked together and bonded in a way that can’t really be explained, at least by me and to do it justice.

We Actually Did It

As we passed under the last bridge of the trip and the boat launch full of family and friends was clearly in sight, I started to get a little choked up.   We made it.

My mind took me to how this whole thing got started, reminded me of the excitement of planning this adventure seemed to warm up the winter just a little bit and how it has warmed my heart the way our family rallied around us.  We learned some valuable lessons, had some tremendous laughs and made it through the the challenge ,literally, without a scratch.  I can't thank everyone enough for the help, the support, the advice and the boosts of morale when we needed it the most.   

 Specifically,  would like to thank Jim Hoover and a person I only know as "Jen from Mark's work" for loaning us their fine seaworthy canoes.  They handled everything we threw at them with ease.   They are excellent boats and we were lucky to have them.  Thank you for your generosity.

I'll recap the trip soon, but I just wanted to thank everyone before I get going on the tales of the 'Quest.

Hellooooo?

We're loading the trucks TOMORROW.  Wow.  It's here.  Emails  are still flying back and forth, meeting points and times have been confirmed, maps being hand drawn and poor Greg is still coming with us!  I expected to have a few emails this morning but I didn't expect this:  Mark's very own blog!  Now of course it coming from Mark it had to make things difficult!  For some reason it will only show up with a white back ground... 

River Quest '13 has yet another story teller.

Hello...Hello...Is there anyone there? I know you are there!! This is Mark...you know the one that gets under your skin.  I may drive everyone crazy but it will make for some funny ass stories. 

 

This trip from the get go is exciting and scary.  The fun is going to be hanging with the “men” of the family.  We never get a chance to do this any more.  Four days of “man” time may equal none of us speaking afterwards!!

I have always been drawn to water.  Patrick and I could find water within a 0.5 mile radius.  The scary part of the trip is the water.....hmm what is under the water?? This makes me think of trees under the water, much like the tree that almost caused the death of Mike while inner-tubing one day.  Growing up we always had a blast on the river...lets hope it continues.  Here is another part of the trip that I find scary...sitting on a canoe for four days. 

Now this is coming from a man who spends ten hours a day, Monday through Thursday on his feet at work, not to mention the time outside of work.  Mary Ann can tell you that once I do sit down at night, it is all over.  I hit that recliner and, as she says I snore, I beg to differ on that part but anyways I do fall asleep once I sit down.  At least we can’t get lost if I should fall asleep on the canoe. We can’t get lost on the river, can we? Anyone there? Hello?????

 

Just because we are out in the “wild” does not mean we cannot eat good.  No offense Seth, I AM NOT EATING THAT PRE-PACKAGED SHIT (food).  Most of the meals are planned and I am finishing up buying the food tonight after work.  Now we just need a cook....hint..hint...Oh well, we will draw straws for that one.

 

Now onto the sleeping situation.  My uncles are ripping on us because we will be using tents instead of “passing out on the ground.”  Now I don’t really know if that is actually how it happened when they took their river quest but I can tell you I will be sleeping in a tent, hopefully minus Shwimmy cuddled up next to me..then again if it gets as cold as I am thinking it may get at night...Shwimmy would make a nice heater.  No offense to you guys but Shwimmy knows how to live off the land and sleep in the wild!

 

Anyone wonder if we will make it to our destination (East Brady) first or the trucks scheduled to pick our sore behinds up???? Someone is going to pick us up right? Monday, May 27, 2013...God I hope we make it back by that date...and I hope the trucks do too!! Hello.....are you there??? That was the trucks I was addressing.

 

I am looking forward to the scenery and the beauty of the river.  I hope these attractions are enough to keep my interest for four days.  Four days....hello did you hear that???? Let’s not forget the wildlife.....Shwimmy the bear, mentioned above.  I am sure we will see a snake or two, this one is for you Mike.  As I type this, I do believe I hear the faint playing of a kazoo.  Who is playing that kazoo???? Hello? Oh, it is a squatch. I researched and found out that kazoo playing helps to keep away snakes but draws in the squatch.  I am banking on taking some pics of our squatch friends as I am hoping to sell some photographs to reputable newspapers, magazines....like the “Enquirer.”  Now that is news!! Can’t you just see a pic of me and my squatch friend with dueling kazoos on the front page?

 

You do know that this is not a canoe trip but a “cruise.”  Come on now, you get entertainment, beautiful scenery, food, friends (at least for the first hour-could be enemies later) and banjos....oops God I hope we don’t hear any banjos!!!!

 

Here is what worries me, that after the first morning it will suck drinking instant coffee, missing my cozy bed and my extra hot, long shower in the morning, usually the only thing that gets me going in the morning.  I will be coming down from a caffeine high and hitting rock bottom...did I say rock bottom? Oops, there goes the canoe, me and Shwimmy!!! I see energy drinks and Advil in our near future!!

 

I am going to try and look at this as it will be a blast overall....anyways, a few good hums on the kazoo every morning should get each day started just fine!!!

 

Seriously, I feel with God, luck and my dad watching over us all, we will make it....be closer and stronger than when we left on Friday morning.  I know dad will be smiling down on us all...okay he will be laughing his ass off thinking who thought of this one? MARK!!!!!!!!

 

See you all bright and early Friday morning......and those who are going to help pack and get the canoes ready Thursday night!! Hello...hello....am I loading these "X%$%^#%#%%%^^^^*canoes all by myself??? ALL BY MYSELF!!!!

Worth a thousand words?

I have received a few pictures from Mark this weekend and I thought I would share them along with the messages sent.  We can count it as his blog but I'd really like to see him do another one.  Not that I'm looking forward to editing out all the swearing though!

And so it begins.

And then there were two.

Packing list:

1) Energy Drinks (lots)

2) Kazoo

3) Fake Snakes

I think these few pictures he sent (which honestly I was surprised he could send text messages let alone a picture!)  sum up Marks intentions.  "We're going to have a good time... at least I am!"

Life is but a Dream

There have been many things that have surprised me on this quest for our Quest.  First and foremost is that we are actually going to do it!  Six days and we're off.  Amazing.

The other surprises were that, to date, three of us have written about our quest!  Who would have ever thought that?  Not I!  I have aspirations to get the other guys on here too.  Share your feelings ya big sissies!

That being said I am so pleased to give you Mike's third entry to "The Call..."

P-     

I Had a Dream.

OK, technically the premise for this blog came from a recent visit with Aunt Donna, Aunt Jean and Uncle Earl and Cousins Jerry and Kristen.  Work with me folks, for the purpose of this blog it was a dream.

Our much anticipated canoe adventure had finally arrived.  With the excitement that accompanies any trip we made the two plus hour drive to Warren, PA.  Shortly after entering the river, our worst possible fear was realized, Mark had brought a kazoo.  This was going to be a long trip.  We had three and a half days in front of us and we were all ready to kill Mark after 15 minutes.

Fast forward to Friday night – In an attempt to flee a snake (I hate snakes) I trip and fall face first into a mushroom.  For those of you who don’t know, I am deathly allergic to mushrooms.  Not just itchy eyes and a runny nose, we are talking anaphylactic with among other things my throat swells shut.

Back to the dream, this is not good.  For some reason my Epi-pens don’t work and my throat is closing quickly.  Patrick, Seth and Rob are attending to the matter at hand while Greg decides that drinking a beer at this time would be a good idea.  Meanwhile, Mark has called upon his animal friends including Schwimmy the Bear and a few Squatches that happen to be in the area.  After Mark learns from his friends that there is no easy route to civilization and help, it is decided that a tracheotomy is my best bet.

Now we have two problems; 1) should we use a Rambo style survival knife or a machete to perform the tracheotomy and 2) what will we use for a trachea tube?  I don’t remember how, but it is decided that the survival knife is a better option than a machete.  Now for the tube, I do distinctly remember Schwimmy saying, “Why don’t you just use Mark’s f@&#ing kazoo?”

Somehow, the procedure is a success and come Saturday morning we are on our way.  Again, fast forward to Monday evening when we complete our journey in East Brady.  What had started as a crew of six has finished with only five members and the authorities are asking questions. 

Directly from the official police report – “It appears that Mr. Carlson was doing quite well and would no doubt have survived the trip had the other members of his group not removed his trachea tube earlier today.”  When asked why they had removed the tube that would certainly lead to the demise of Mr. Carlson, an unnamed member of the crew stated, “Have you ever listened to a kazoo for over 48 straight hours?”

Upon hearing their reasoning, authorities immediately decided that charges would not be forthcoming!

Dream on, less than 2 weeks to go!

I thought you said KAZOO trip!

So we have been planning and preparing for this trip since about February.   As I imagine a lot of expeditions go, we start out strong then slow down in the middle then we are a flurry of activity right up until launch time.  I expect us to be no different.  

Two weeks from right now I will be eating a cold can of beans and an uncooked hotdog, wondering why my 3 Tarp Dry (even in a downpour) Campsite System isn't working and asking Seth if he has a spare MRE.  Let me run that one past you again.  TWO WEEKS!  Shit.  I am in no way ready for this... and I still can't wait! 

 I am actually looking forward to packing up the jeep (if it hasn't been stolen...) and driving 4 hours then unpacking and reloading and driving another 2 plus hours.  Then trying to fit all this gear that we all bring that Seth said we wouldn't need  "Not in MY boat!" into 3 hopefully seaworthy canoes.  Launching ourselves into a whole new (old) adventure, that let's be honest, we're just hoping to make it... with our sanity.  Which brings us to Mark.

Now, I say this with nothing but love, but... my cousin Mark has a gift for pushing peoples buttons.  He is exceptional at finding out what slightly bugs you then whipping that slight annoyance into a frothy stark raving mad episode.  Don't believe me?  Call his house sometime.  Go through 15 minutes of "Hello?  Hello?  Helloooooo?  Who is this?" and tell me you're not a little peeved!  

I've been witness to normal, sane people so angry with Mark they will actually chase him in hope of stopping the madness... but no.  With a maniacs laugh and the speed of the Devil himself, he will taunt, elude and evade all of my best attempts to catch him and shut his stupid mouth!!!  At least that's what I've heard...

When we have all talked about who will steal the show with this adventure, it's universally agreed it will be Mark, for multiple reasons really.  Aside from his unholy gift of annoyance Mark is just good at stuff.  Specifically this kind of stuff.  He'll show up with a Dukes of Hazzard thermos full of coffee and a Batman sleeping bag, throw a rock and knock a pheasant out of the air, it will land in the fire he made by rubbing two sticks together it will cook perfectly he'll share it with Greg and Schwimmy the Bear and sleep peacefully through the night.  That will just be the first day.  By the second day I'm certain he will have fashioned a kite to pull his canoe so he doesn't have to row and can spend more time perfecting his moose call...  I actually had chills just run down my spine...  All the while he'll be randomly blowing shit up.  

Mark doesn't get involved with the email conversations we have.  When asked for his email address, after 15 minutes of, "Hello? Hello?  Hellooooo?  Who is this?" (annoying isn't it?)  His answer was: an Eee whaaat?  So we had to confirm with smoke signals that he was indeed going on the trip.  In a conversation in person he says "Four days on  the water?  Can I bring my kazoo?"  A resounding "Absolutely not!" boomed off the kitchen walls.  I said I might bring a guitar and he didn't think that was fair and I said "No one has ever wanted to shoot a guitar out of my hands, I don't think you'd fair as well."  Which means of course he's bringing a kazoo...

Around Easter time we were possibly going to have a seventh member of our party and to even out the boats I asked Gary, a High School friend of mine who knows most or all of us and is easily one of the most laid back easy going guys I know, if he had any interest in joining up.  He talked a few minutes of his great fear of snakes and how that would really be something difficult for him to deal with and then he says:

 "Buzz, I would really love to go.  I'll bet it will be an awesome time but jeez...  Four days with Mark.  I just don't think I could do it."  

I hear ya ,Gary...  

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Call of the River's second guest blogger and organizer:  Seth!!

First: I would like to thank my cousin for this opportunity to add to one the few remaining non-porn websites left on the internet.

Now, since the day we picked the date for the trip, I’ve spent hours thinking, planning, and preparing for this quest. To me that’s exactly what it is: a quest. Not a fun weekend around the campfire with family. Not leisurely days spent drifting down the Allegheny River. But; a Quest; something to be completed; an expedition; something that each of us must finish. This will be 4 days of self inflicted torture and torment. My thoughts are about getting to the end, not how to take pleasure in the time we spend doing it. And while that may be a negative view of things, it’s my only goal. 

We’ve all talked a great deal about supplies and preparations. And I can’t shake the feelings of wow, that’s a lot of gear, or these canoes still need to float, you know. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe I took Army lessons too seriously. After all; I’m no longer wearing camouflage on a regular basis. I spent some time as a soldier and am no stranger to being “in the field.”

I remember the 3 B’s that Sgt. Barkman taught us: Bullets, Beans, and Blankets. Those three things are a prioritized list of what a soldier needs to survive in the field. First you need ammunition to keep up the fight; next you do actually need food on occasion. And lastly are those comfort items. Things like blankets or dry socks to keep your feet from falling off. You can still return fire without feet but it’s much harder to assault a hilltop. No, I don’t expect enemy contact on this “mission”. But I would like to be able to fend off a curious bear. 

I do plan to bring food. Shelf stable items like canned soup and protein bars won’t get ruined when the canoe carrying the cooler flips over at the first rock we straddle. Nor will they require the ice that won’t last all 4 days. 

To be clear, I’m not against eating well. I just don’t see it working out. I also consider myself to be famine resistant. A day without food, while unpleasant, won’t kill me. Perhaps I’m too pessimistic. 

I’m also reminded of Murphy’s Law; that anything can go wrong will go wrong. I’ve learned over the years that for the most part Murphy was wrong. Most things go just fine. But those are never the things I remember. Those times also don’t make good stories. I remember the times when things went horribly, horribly wrong. And those stories are hilarious, when you aren’t part of them. And whether Murphy was a genius or an idiot, I do see a direct correlation to the number of things we take along and the number of things to lose, break, and watch fail as we rely on them most. 

Those of us going on this adventure will feel differently about one another when this is over. Some of us will be closer and some of us might not feel the need to speak to each other next time we’re all together. And… that’s ok. As long as we finish what is we’ve all set out to do. To get from point A to point B, alive and reasonably on time; that is the quest. 

With all that being said, I expect us to complete the quest. While I’m a pessimist, I’m also a gambler. I like to play the odds. Odds are that the ice won’t last. Odds are someone will flip a canoe somewhere on this journey and possessions will be lost and ruined. And the odds are also good that no one will get seriously hurt at all. The good odds are that with canned grapefruit sections or fresh fruit, we’ll make it. We’ll be tired. We’ll be cranky. We’ll be whiny. We’ll be angry. But we’ll also be just fine. And we will have done what our fathers before us have done. We will have completed our quest.