Once The Sun Comes Out, I'm Sure We'll Be Fine!

Aaaaaaaaand we're back!

When I got out of the truck to start unloading our gear, a few things came quickly into focus.  The first was how much my hands hurt.  I was thinking "What did I do to my hands?  Did they fall asleep and are now all... tingle-y?"  Nope.  Hands were wide awake.  They hurt from the cold.  My hands were so cold, they were painful and we hadn't even unloaded the trucks yet.  The next thing was the look on all of our faces.  I wouldn't call it panic, but I wouldn't call it confidence either!  All of us in one way or another questioned if we could even do the trip.  Freakishly cold temperatures never really factored into my calculations.  I barely and I mean just barely, brought a hooded sweatshirt.  I know I mentioned it in the last blog, but that was months ago.  I think it deserves being brought up again.  It was SNOWING!

So there I was. Freezing. Exhausted. Excited. Nervous. And still a little pissed off from the night before, all the while wearing a borrowed hoodie and ski-mask, packing all I would have for the next four days to keep me alive into the hull of a borrowed (thanks again Jen from Mark's work!) canoe that I didn't even know if it would float, to embark on a 4 day hundred plus mile journey that I wasn't even sure if I could complete in the first place!  Oh yeah, it was snowing.  Had I mentioned that?  So far this seems like an awesome way to kick off the summer holiday...

We're all pretty much different versions of the same smart ass.  Always have been.  The apples didn't fall very far from the trees.  So with 8 smart asses loading canoes it was almost absolutely quiet.  Too quiet.

Harry starts us going by informing us "...the nice thing about the cold air is the water won't seem as cold... you know... If you go in!"  Really?  Learn that in science class?

Dad then lets us know that "...once the sun comes out, I'm pretty sure it will warm you right up!  It might even quit snowing!  Unless you guys are looking forward to a snowball fight!!!"   Thanks Dad... Hilarious as ever.

It did get us talking though.  I then reiterate my plan if I find a snake (dead, rubber or otherwise) involving chasing Mark and throwing rocks, sticks and profanities at him.   We start joking about how much sunscreen we will save, Mike and Mark about break into a fist fight on two different occasions and next thing you know we are loaded and ready to shove off.

Now it's here.  Time to go.  Again, if I wasn't so damn cold I might have been more sentimental but I thought the paddling would help warm me up. A quick good-bye and away we go!!

All three boats in the water!   Seth and I in Greenie, Rob and Greg in the Hoover (with an inflatable cooler tow-behind no less!) and the Carlson boys in the Carlson Boat.  I personally thought it was hilarious to put M&M in the same boat so I could watch them fight!  I had visions of having to pull over so they could fist fight.  Better than cable!

I was worried about Seth and I riding in the same canoe.  The two of us combined had to be at least 460lbs.  The heaviest combo in the group.  Probably closer to five bills, in one canoe... plus gear, food, water and ammo?  Add in an air temp of 34 degrees and I'm not in love with that at all!

Needless to say we sat pretty damn low in the water.  The entire trip we were 2 inches from sinking.  We also were not very stable.  At all.  Any given minute we would start rocking side to side uncontrollably.  So we couldn't sit still and float or we would capsize.  Aaaaalright!!!

But... we could paddle like the wind!  Not that it was a race (because Seth and I would have straight SMOKED everyone!) but Greenie and Co. were off to a quick lead, followed buy the USS FistFight with the Brew Canoe not far behind.  A few hundred yards down river (once you go in the right direction... It's harder to figure out than it sounds!)  there is a short run of little rapids.  Seth and I decide, since we can't really turn or float, that speed is our best ally, so we tear off and conquer our first set of rapids!  Hooray!  Then Seth notices the debris trail...  

We turn as quickly as we can (which at this point, was the first intentional turn we had tried...) taking up most of the river to complete our arc but made it upriver quickly (due to our tremendous speed!)   As we approached, the beer cans in the water were all we needed to see... Greg and Rob are in the drink.  It is freezing.  This was no joke.

Seth and I are scooping everything of theirs we can get our hands on into our boat.  The fact that we were  ready to capsize at any second made this a very enjoyable time!  USS FistFight was doing the same as we were both making our way to Greg and Rob.

I have to say this was very scary.  We were absolutely on our own in a dire situation with very real consequences, then an incredible thing happened.  People talk about doing and seeing incredible things during extreme situations from adrenaline.  Well, I know what they mean now.  We all do.

Rob picked up the canoe.  In about five feet of ICE cold water he hoisted a canoe filled with river water, camping gear, food, Greg, beer and carried it to shore.  He CARRIED IT.

Rob is a big boy.  About six and a half feet high and built like an oak tree and strong as an ox.  Even still, this was incredible...

My first thought was get them warm.  My second thought was, that 16 minutes into our trip: It was over.

But OH NO!  Not with these tough guys!  Na-uh!

After we are all on shore and out of hypothermia danger, Greg looks up and says, "Yinz guys think it's too early to have a beer?"  That was all it took.  We split up the Fist Fight Twins (probably for the best) put Greg with Mark and Rob with Mike and away we went!

  

The Long Answer: Part Two- Wagons North!

By the time I got back to Mom and Dad's place I had to decide: Pack or Sleep.  I was still pissed off from having that damn dead snake waved at me every time I turned around for the last five hours.... so i decide to pack now.  "I'll get plenty of time to sleep on the trip!" i think to myself.  I manage to get most of my stuff into six smaller jugs.  I then put those jugs in a water resistant giant gym bag kinda thing.  What doesn't fit in the jugs I just stuffed in the bag.  It is water resistant after all.  It's not like any of that stuff is really going to get wet!  I am an expert canoer... just haven't been in one since... hmm....   When was Beverly Hills Cop in the theater?

I get to bed around 2:45 a.m.  I blink and it's 5:00.  Damn.  Didn't want to start off this tired.  Too late now!  It's here and we are off!  Thankfully Dad talks me into throwing a couple extra long sleeve shirts and a hoodie in with me.  He didn't really have to talk too much really.  The phrase, "You do realize it's 34 degrees outside, right?"  goes a long way towards convincing you to pack say, a ski mask, on your summer kick off canoe trip!

I just want to say right now:  I had no idea what cold was, until this trip. 

The Six finally are all in the same place at the same time.  Since starting the planning, we hadn't all been together.  If we weren't all in actual shock over how cold it was, we might have been a little choked up about the real start of this quest,  No turning back now!  We pose for a couple of pictures in our sweet River Quest '13 T-shirts, courtesy of Mary Ann, then we high five each other,  load up and tear off!

We head North to Warren, PA.  It keeps getting colder and colder.  When we get to the approximate area of the boat launch it was actually snowing.  I wish I was kidding.  Snow.

I say approximate area because we...  ummm.... never looked into where we would put the boats in the water. We assumed (wrongly!) there would be a big park kinda deal that we could back the trailer into the water.  So we drove in circles around Warren looking for a park.  We're all looking on maps and trying to get 4G on our phones to figure this out.  I mean... we can see the river,  It's right fricking there!  The Original Questers didn't actually remember getting in the water!  They kept saying things like  "Margaret dropped us off." and "This was Bruce's town, he knew where to go."  All we found was a hospital that had a helipad right at the water's edge that some people in hospital gowns, smoking cigarettes, said it would be ok to launch from.  Even though they couldn't figure out why anybody would get into that water.  It was snowing after all.

I think to myself "Silly hospital smokers! We're going canoeing... not swimming!  Jeez!"    

Or so I thought...

The Long Answer: Part One

"Soooo.... How was it?"

That, undoubtably, has to be the one question I hear the most.  I have been talking and writing about this Quest for several months.  Anyone who would sit still long enough I would tell them about it or this blog and usually both. It's been exactly two weeks since we finished this epic quest.  So, it only makes sense that people would want to know "How was it?"

The Short Answer:  Awesome.  Wouldn't do it again.

The Long Answer goes something like this:

The weather looked somewhat promising as I headed East with a jeep loaded down with flashlights, machetes, water jugs and Clif Bars.  I had also packed a rain suit "just in case" and an extra hoodie.  I had intentionally NOT looked at a weather report for the areas we would be in.  I was going. Rain or shine.  It turns out I could have said: Rain, shine, sleet, snow and freezing cold.  But no... I wasn't going to look at the weather for fear it would bring me down or something.  Prepared Schma-pared!  I had a machete!

Once I get to my parent's, I make plans with Mike and Seth to meet up at Mark's house and make some final decisions on gear, load up the canoes, finalize leaving/rendezvous times and then everyone get home and get to sleep.  I figured an hour max.  Maybe two hours...

Mike picks me up and we discuss the cooler temps as we drive to Mark's.  It's raining but we agree it's better now than tomorrow.  As we head up the sidewalk, I about jump through my skin, as I almost step on a dead snake.  Laid out, real nice, on display...  Damn it MARK!  I have an effing machete!  Damn it!

Seth and Harry were already there and we start off by marveling at Mark's packing job.  The jug system was well used with him.  He had all of his clothes in a Cheez Puff container.  All of them.  He had another one full of individually packaged bags of potato chips and Doroitos.  The jug looked like there were hundreds of them!  It was beautiful.  Mom and Dad came over for a quick stop to wish everybody a safe trip.  Dad and Harry then gave us a few last tips and questioned all the stuff we were taking.  After an easy hour of fart jokes , theorizing where all the Cheez Puffs went and packing strategy comparisons ,we figure we should load up and get some sleep.  "It will be our last for a while!  Hahahahah!" 

I remember the next several of hours like this:

Ok... where's the trailer?  

Oh.  We have to go get it.  OK. 

Put that snake down!

Wait... what?  We don't know if we can get it?

It's at his neighbor's house and he said it's ok to just come get it?  Who said it's OK?

Does that smell like shit to you?

I am SERIOUSLY not kidding, get that snake away from me.  YES, I KNOW IT'S DEAD!

Is there such a thing as grand theft trailer?

What if we move the Blazer over there, pull this truck up here then back that truck out on the road while the other truck pulls in, while we stop traffic...

Damn! That really smells like shit!

What do you mean you don't think that truck will start???

I will not be held responsible if you bring that damn dead snake near me AGAIN!

Just drive it through the neighbor's effing yard!!!! 

Ok... For the LAST TIME.  WE ARE MEETING AT UNI-MART AT 7AM!!!!

What?  That's the wrong direction?  Oh for the love of....  

Somebody, please get me a fricking MAP, so we can figure out where we are going tomorrow!!!

Ok... we all agree.  Meet at Greg's at 7am?  Five hours from right now.  Great.  Someone tell Greg and Rob.  See you assholes tomorrow.

Looking Back

Not being the most tech savvy person on the planet... actually I'm  way behind your average 6 year old with a cel phone!  Any way some of these I cant get to work on the black background...  I don't know why.  At any rate another contributor to The Call... has shared some thoughts and feelings.  I'd like to introduce Bruce's wife, Mike and Mark's mother and Aunt to all of us:  Betty

I'm not much with writing words so hang in there I will try to put my thoughts down about the trip.  I'm so proud of you boys ( yes, you will always be boys).  Bruce would have been proud of you also.  I know that at the funeral you finally decided that this was the year.  I know that Bruce was with you all the way.  He and the others had hot weather and you 6 faced  horrible weather.  


   This time you kept everyone up on your plans by the blogs, we didn't get the e-mails but that is okay.  We here on land kept up with your journey each day by e-mails, pictures on texting It was fun to follow your trip.  When your Dads went, they got in the river in Warren and we met them in East Brady.  We knew nothing that they did or where they were.   This trip was so much more fun for us.  You have another generation planning their trip.


   The three boys were so excited to see you when we found you. They were really hoping to get into the canoes  that day, but it wasn't their time. When everyone was there to greet you in Parker, it was great.  What a joy to watch the canoes come down the river and pull into shore.  Then the picnic at the Buzzards was like old times. Thanks for doing the trip and remembering Bruce the way you did.  I love you one and all.

Up River, Down River... What's the Difference?

I have encouraged everyone involved to feel free and jot down a few thoughts about either adventure or any combination of them.  I am extremely pleased to have one of the Fab Four pioneers weighing in.  Seth's father, my Uncle and all of our comrade in Canoeing:  Harry.

The boys did it, well they are far from boys, but I am a lot farther from being a boy.  I am one of the old guys that tried this stupid “enjoyable” trip 41years ago, not a typo 41 years.  “ Wow “  a lot of water under the bridge since then , pun intended.  The old guys were 19, 19, 23 and 27, the youngest in the New group of Men was 30.  They had colder weather 40ish degrees vs. 75-85 degrees but we endured. 

  They had tents which according to them along with many other things, may not have been invented yet.  They had cell phones and maps, we had canoes and some beer, ok plenty of beer, we replenished once to ensure we had enough for the trip.  It was enough.  We were younger and arguably more foolish than these “boys”.  We knew everything and we knew to just follow the river.

  This being said by the guy who, when first entering the water went the wrong way, not necessarily on purpose.  We did a nice circle and headed down (oh hence the term downstream) now I got it.  I was in the front of the canoe paddling when I learned “pick a side, any f***ing side just pick a side” to row on.  I hadn’t been in a canoe before and learned something every day.

How bad could this be? Paddle a little, drink a cold beverage and relax.  I will let the new guys explain how that worked out for them we fared no better.

There were no modern conviences along the way (showers, TOILETS, beds) and I guess that hasn’t changed.  I didn’t have false expectations but it would have been nice if it had been invented.

I do want to say that we are very proud of these men, it was an accomplishment that can never be taken from them.  Some of these guys, although related some way or another, were strangers in many ways.  It is obvious to me they worked together and bonded in a way that can’t really be explained, at least by me and to do it justice.

We Actually Did It

As we passed under the last bridge of the trip and the boat launch full of family and friends was clearly in sight, I started to get a little choked up.   We made it.

My mind took me to how this whole thing got started, reminded me of the excitement of planning this adventure seemed to warm up the winter just a little bit and how it has warmed my heart the way our family rallied around us.  We learned some valuable lessons, had some tremendous laughs and made it through the the challenge ,literally, without a scratch.  I can't thank everyone enough for the help, the support, the advice and the boosts of morale when we needed it the most.   

 Specifically,  would like to thank Jim Hoover and a person I only know as "Jen from Mark's work" for loaning us their fine seaworthy canoes.  They handled everything we threw at them with ease.   They are excellent boats and we were lucky to have them.  Thank you for your generosity.

I'll recap the trip soon, but I just wanted to thank everyone before I get going on the tales of the 'Quest.

Hellooooo?

We're loading the trucks TOMORROW.  Wow.  It's here.  Emails  are still flying back and forth, meeting points and times have been confirmed, maps being hand drawn and poor Greg is still coming with us!  I expected to have a few emails this morning but I didn't expect this:  Mark's very own blog!  Now of course it coming from Mark it had to make things difficult!  For some reason it will only show up with a white back ground... 

River Quest '13 has yet another story teller.

Hello...Hello...Is there anyone there? I know you are there!! This is Mark...you know the one that gets under your skin.  I may drive everyone crazy but it will make for some funny ass stories. 

 

This trip from the get go is exciting and scary.  The fun is going to be hanging with the “men” of the family.  We never get a chance to do this any more.  Four days of “man” time may equal none of us speaking afterwards!!

I have always been drawn to water.  Patrick and I could find water within a 0.5 mile radius.  The scary part of the trip is the water.....hmm what is under the water?? This makes me think of trees under the water, much like the tree that almost caused the death of Mike while inner-tubing one day.  Growing up we always had a blast on the river...lets hope it continues.  Here is another part of the trip that I find scary...sitting on a canoe for four days. 

Now this is coming from a man who spends ten hours a day, Monday through Thursday on his feet at work, not to mention the time outside of work.  Mary Ann can tell you that once I do sit down at night, it is all over.  I hit that recliner and, as she says I snore, I beg to differ on that part but anyways I do fall asleep once I sit down.  At least we can’t get lost if I should fall asleep on the canoe. We can’t get lost on the river, can we? Anyone there? Hello?????

 

Just because we are out in the “wild” does not mean we cannot eat good.  No offense Seth, I AM NOT EATING THAT PRE-PACKAGED SHIT (food).  Most of the meals are planned and I am finishing up buying the food tonight after work.  Now we just need a cook....hint..hint...Oh well, we will draw straws for that one.

 

Now onto the sleeping situation.  My uncles are ripping on us because we will be using tents instead of “passing out on the ground.”  Now I don’t really know if that is actually how it happened when they took their river quest but I can tell you I will be sleeping in a tent, hopefully minus Shwimmy cuddled up next to me..then again if it gets as cold as I am thinking it may get at night...Shwimmy would make a nice heater.  No offense to you guys but Shwimmy knows how to live off the land and sleep in the wild!

 

Anyone wonder if we will make it to our destination (East Brady) first or the trucks scheduled to pick our sore behinds up???? Someone is going to pick us up right? Monday, May 27, 2013...God I hope we make it back by that date...and I hope the trucks do too!! Hello.....are you there??? That was the trucks I was addressing.

 

I am looking forward to the scenery and the beauty of the river.  I hope these attractions are enough to keep my interest for four days.  Four days....hello did you hear that???? Let’s not forget the wildlife.....Shwimmy the bear, mentioned above.  I am sure we will see a snake or two, this one is for you Mike.  As I type this, I do believe I hear the faint playing of a kazoo.  Who is playing that kazoo???? Hello? Oh, it is a squatch. I researched and found out that kazoo playing helps to keep away snakes but draws in the squatch.  I am banking on taking some pics of our squatch friends as I am hoping to sell some photographs to reputable newspapers, magazines....like the “Enquirer.”  Now that is news!! Can’t you just see a pic of me and my squatch friend with dueling kazoos on the front page?

 

You do know that this is not a canoe trip but a “cruise.”  Come on now, you get entertainment, beautiful scenery, food, friends (at least for the first hour-could be enemies later) and banjos....oops God I hope we don’t hear any banjos!!!!

 

Here is what worries me, that after the first morning it will suck drinking instant coffee, missing my cozy bed and my extra hot, long shower in the morning, usually the only thing that gets me going in the morning.  I will be coming down from a caffeine high and hitting rock bottom...did I say rock bottom? Oops, there goes the canoe, me and Shwimmy!!! I see energy drinks and Advil in our near future!!

 

I am going to try and look at this as it will be a blast overall....anyways, a few good hums on the kazoo every morning should get each day started just fine!!!

 

Seriously, I feel with God, luck and my dad watching over us all, we will make it....be closer and stronger than when we left on Friday morning.  I know dad will be smiling down on us all...okay he will be laughing his ass off thinking who thought of this one? MARK!!!!!!!!

 

See you all bright and early Friday morning......and those who are going to help pack and get the canoes ready Thursday night!! Hello...hello....am I loading these "X%$%^#%#%%%^^^^*canoes all by myself??? ALL BY MYSELF!!!!

Worth a thousand words?

I have received a few pictures from Mark this weekend and I thought I would share them along with the messages sent.  We can count it as his blog but I'd really like to see him do another one.  Not that I'm looking forward to editing out all the swearing though!

And so it begins.

And then there were two.

Packing list:

1) Energy Drinks (lots)

2) Kazoo

3) Fake Snakes

I think these few pictures he sent (which honestly I was surprised he could send text messages let alone a picture!)  sum up Marks intentions.  "We're going to have a good time... at least I am!"

Life is but a Dream

There have been many things that have surprised me on this quest for our Quest.  First and foremost is that we are actually going to do it!  Six days and we're off.  Amazing.

The other surprises were that, to date, three of us have written about our quest!  Who would have ever thought that?  Not I!  I have aspirations to get the other guys on here too.  Share your feelings ya big sissies!

That being said I am so pleased to give you Mike's third entry to "The Call..."

P-     

I Had a Dream.

OK, technically the premise for this blog came from a recent visit with Aunt Donna, Aunt Jean and Uncle Earl and Cousins Jerry and Kristen.  Work with me folks, for the purpose of this blog it was a dream.

Our much anticipated canoe adventure had finally arrived.  With the excitement that accompanies any trip we made the two plus hour drive to Warren, PA.  Shortly after entering the river, our worst possible fear was realized, Mark had brought a kazoo.  This was going to be a long trip.  We had three and a half days in front of us and we were all ready to kill Mark after 15 minutes.

Fast forward to Friday night – In an attempt to flee a snake (I hate snakes) I trip and fall face first into a mushroom.  For those of you who don’t know, I am deathly allergic to mushrooms.  Not just itchy eyes and a runny nose, we are talking anaphylactic with among other things my throat swells shut.

Back to the dream, this is not good.  For some reason my Epi-pens don’t work and my throat is closing quickly.  Patrick, Seth and Rob are attending to the matter at hand while Greg decides that drinking a beer at this time would be a good idea.  Meanwhile, Mark has called upon his animal friends including Schwimmy the Bear and a few Squatches that happen to be in the area.  After Mark learns from his friends that there is no easy route to civilization and help, it is decided that a tracheotomy is my best bet.

Now we have two problems; 1) should we use a Rambo style survival knife or a machete to perform the tracheotomy and 2) what will we use for a trachea tube?  I don’t remember how, but it is decided that the survival knife is a better option than a machete.  Now for the tube, I do distinctly remember Schwimmy saying, “Why don’t you just use Mark’s f@&#ing kazoo?”

Somehow, the procedure is a success and come Saturday morning we are on our way.  Again, fast forward to Monday evening when we complete our journey in East Brady.  What had started as a crew of six has finished with only five members and the authorities are asking questions. 

Directly from the official police report – “It appears that Mr. Carlson was doing quite well and would no doubt have survived the trip had the other members of his group not removed his trachea tube earlier today.”  When asked why they had removed the tube that would certainly lead to the demise of Mr. Carlson, an unnamed member of the crew stated, “Have you ever listened to a kazoo for over 48 straight hours?”

Upon hearing their reasoning, authorities immediately decided that charges would not be forthcoming!

Dream on, less than 2 weeks to go!

I thought you said KAZOO trip!

So we have been planning and preparing for this trip since about February.   As I imagine a lot of expeditions go, we start out strong then slow down in the middle then we are a flurry of activity right up until launch time.  I expect us to be no different.  

Two weeks from right now I will be eating a cold can of beans and an uncooked hotdog, wondering why my 3 Tarp Dry (even in a downpour) Campsite System isn't working and asking Seth if he has a spare MRE.  Let me run that one past you again.  TWO WEEKS!  Shit.  I am in no way ready for this... and I still can't wait! 

 I am actually looking forward to packing up the jeep (if it hasn't been stolen...) and driving 4 hours then unpacking and reloading and driving another 2 plus hours.  Then trying to fit all this gear that we all bring that Seth said we wouldn't need  "Not in MY boat!" into 3 hopefully seaworthy canoes.  Launching ourselves into a whole new (old) adventure, that let's be honest, we're just hoping to make it... with our sanity.  Which brings us to Mark.

Now, I say this with nothing but love, but... my cousin Mark has a gift for pushing peoples buttons.  He is exceptional at finding out what slightly bugs you then whipping that slight annoyance into a frothy stark raving mad episode.  Don't believe me?  Call his house sometime.  Go through 15 minutes of "Hello?  Hello?  Helloooooo?  Who is this?" and tell me you're not a little peeved!  

I've been witness to normal, sane people so angry with Mark they will actually chase him in hope of stopping the madness... but no.  With a maniacs laugh and the speed of the Devil himself, he will taunt, elude and evade all of my best attempts to catch him and shut his stupid mouth!!!  At least that's what I've heard...

When we have all talked about who will steal the show with this adventure, it's universally agreed it will be Mark, for multiple reasons really.  Aside from his unholy gift of annoyance Mark is just good at stuff.  Specifically this kind of stuff.  He'll show up with a Dukes of Hazzard thermos full of coffee and a Batman sleeping bag, throw a rock and knock a pheasant out of the air, it will land in the fire he made by rubbing two sticks together it will cook perfectly he'll share it with Greg and Schwimmy the Bear and sleep peacefully through the night.  That will just be the first day.  By the second day I'm certain he will have fashioned a kite to pull his canoe so he doesn't have to row and can spend more time perfecting his moose call...  I actually had chills just run down my spine...  All the while he'll be randomly blowing shit up.  

Mark doesn't get involved with the email conversations we have.  When asked for his email address, after 15 minutes of, "Hello? Hello?  Hellooooo?  Who is this?" (annoying isn't it?)  His answer was: an Eee whaaat?  So we had to confirm with smoke signals that he was indeed going on the trip.  In a conversation in person he says "Four days on  the water?  Can I bring my kazoo?"  A resounding "Absolutely not!" boomed off the kitchen walls.  I said I might bring a guitar and he didn't think that was fair and I said "No one has ever wanted to shoot a guitar out of my hands, I don't think you'd fair as well."  Which means of course he's bringing a kazoo...

Around Easter time we were possibly going to have a seventh member of our party and to even out the boats I asked Gary, a High School friend of mine who knows most or all of us and is easily one of the most laid back easy going guys I know, if he had any interest in joining up.  He talked a few minutes of his great fear of snakes and how that would really be something difficult for him to deal with and then he says:

 "Buzz, I would really love to go.  I'll bet it will be an awesome time but jeez...  Four days with Mark.  I just don't think I could do it."  

I hear ya ,Gary...  

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Call of the River's second guest blogger and organizer:  Seth!!

First: I would like to thank my cousin for this opportunity to add to one the few remaining non-porn websites left on the internet.

Now, since the day we picked the date for the trip, I’ve spent hours thinking, planning, and preparing for this quest. To me that’s exactly what it is: a quest. Not a fun weekend around the campfire with family. Not leisurely days spent drifting down the Allegheny River. But; a Quest; something to be completed; an expedition; something that each of us must finish. This will be 4 days of self inflicted torture and torment. My thoughts are about getting to the end, not how to take pleasure in the time we spend doing it. And while that may be a negative view of things, it’s my only goal. 

We’ve all talked a great deal about supplies and preparations. And I can’t shake the feelings of wow, that’s a lot of gear, or these canoes still need to float, you know. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe I took Army lessons too seriously. After all; I’m no longer wearing camouflage on a regular basis. I spent some time as a soldier and am no stranger to being “in the field.”

I remember the 3 B’s that Sgt. Barkman taught us: Bullets, Beans, and Blankets. Those three things are a prioritized list of what a soldier needs to survive in the field. First you need ammunition to keep up the fight; next you do actually need food on occasion. And lastly are those comfort items. Things like blankets or dry socks to keep your feet from falling off. You can still return fire without feet but it’s much harder to assault a hilltop. No, I don’t expect enemy contact on this “mission”. But I would like to be able to fend off a curious bear. 

I do plan to bring food. Shelf stable items like canned soup and protein bars won’t get ruined when the canoe carrying the cooler flips over at the first rock we straddle. Nor will they require the ice that won’t last all 4 days. 

To be clear, I’m not against eating well. I just don’t see it working out. I also consider myself to be famine resistant. A day without food, while unpleasant, won’t kill me. Perhaps I’m too pessimistic. 

I’m also reminded of Murphy’s Law; that anything can go wrong will go wrong. I’ve learned over the years that for the most part Murphy was wrong. Most things go just fine. But those are never the things I remember. Those times also don’t make good stories. I remember the times when things went horribly, horribly wrong. And those stories are hilarious, when you aren’t part of them. And whether Murphy was a genius or an idiot, I do see a direct correlation to the number of things we take along and the number of things to lose, break, and watch fail as we rely on them most. 

Those of us going on this adventure will feel differently about one another when this is over. Some of us will be closer and some of us might not feel the need to speak to each other next time we’re all together. And… that’s ok. As long as we finish what is we’ve all set out to do. To get from point A to point B, alive and reasonably on time; that is the quest. 

With all that being said, I expect us to complete the quest. While I’m a pessimist, I’m also a gambler. I like to play the odds. Odds are that the ice won’t last. Odds are someone will flip a canoe somewhere on this journey and possessions will be lost and ruined. And the odds are also good that no one will get seriously hurt at all. The good odds are that with canned grapefruit sections or fresh fruit, we’ll make it. We’ll be tired. We’ll be cranky. We’ll be whiny. We’ll be angry. But we’ll also be just fine. And we will have done what our fathers before us have done. We will have completed our quest. 

Is that really NECESSARY?

So this past weekend I went back home to western PA and got to see most of the gang going on this trip.  Didn't get to see Greg but I was assured by his lovely wife that he WILL be there!  We spent many hours laughing and imagining how bad we're all going to feel after the first day after about 32,500 paddle strokes after realizing we have 100,000 more to go... (Thanks MIKE!)  We also got to hear a lot of sage like advise from the original team.  Most specifically though, we figured out it's about 60 days away.  Wait...  I just looked at a calendar and 7 weeks from right now I'll be in a canoe.  In the water.  The actual Quest will have started.  We'll have every item we need for several days and nights of rough camping.  I will have my gear tightly packed in hermetically sealed jugs of my own design.  BuzzJugs (tm)  Look for them at a retailer this fall!

The funny part is we're still figuring out  exactly what supplies we are taking.

Sure, we realize we're going to be taking the usual stuff: Canoes (duh), tents, water, solar charger for DVD player, Greg's beer supply, Mike's Bigfoot costume, all three of Seth's MREs, Rob's mustache wax (I don't even know what that is!) Mark's rubber snake (100% serious), my guitar and a couple of tarps.  You know, necessary items.

It seems the team has different ideas of  necessary.

Seth started this whole Quest.  He said we were doing this and he got us organized, starting with a packing list divided into three categories.  Need, Good Ideas and Comfort.  I think to myself, "what a good way to prioritize."  Before I start reading his list, I start making my own list in my head following the same guidelines.  Then I read Seth's list...  My quick list was drastically different than Seth's.  Food was in the Comfort section.  Let me say that again:  Seth put FOOD under COMFORT.  Not Need, not even Good Idea... Comfort.  Food.

I was trying to figure out a way to pack an air mattress.  A cooler didn't even make his overall list.   "I'll drink my Diet Pepsi warm..."  Boy oh boy!  This trips sounds better and better everyday!

So when we pressed the wise ones for tips and any details they could recall, they claimed they ate like kings on the trip.  Hot foods cooked on a camp stove and fire.  Meats and cheeses.  Bread and beer.  Snacks and cold drinks.  This had my interest.  Meats and cheeses???

  Seth became almost enraged at the thought of "Cooking all that food, we don't even really need, in heavy pots and pans???  Ridiculous!"  Just the mention of a cooler immediately gets the "Not in MY boat!" response.    I'll be honest.  I don't find eating to be a ridiculous part of any day.  Actually, I quite enjoy it.  At least I thought I did!

Seth's plan involves MRE's.  Meal, Ready to Eat. It is a self contained individual field ration in lightweight packaging bought by the United States Military to be used by service men in combat or other field conditions where organized food facilities are not available.  They come with a main dish, a side and toilet paper.  The deluxe models even have a "Flameless Ration Heater" that may or may not emit hydrogen gas.     They are as delicious as they sound.  It's like eating at a place called "Restaurant."  You know it will get the job done and fill the basic dining requirements... but not much more than that.  That's an MRE.

It was theorized that Seth was outsmarting us all by having other people carry the "Heavy pots and pans!"  That may be true.  Honestly, considering what we're signing up for, outsmarting us won't be that difficult.  We are CLEARLY not that bright. I have a different theory.  I think it's an issue of just keeping it simple.   Seth has planned this out and nothing will affect his nutrition needs.  Rain, Snow, Sleet or even the slight possibility of Sunshine.  He will eat... and have toilet paper.

I on the other hand will be looking for an outlet to plug in my air mattress.


Seven weeks and counting!

Get Your Geek On!

Life is funny.  

I was just saying to my wife that I need to make some time to write this week, but it just hasn't been there.  No time.  It's not a new problem, we all have it.  Life gets in the way and can distract you from something important. Like this silly little blog.  It has become important to me and it was bothering me that I had not made time to come up with some good stuff and I didn't want to half ass something.  

I had decided that I would get recharged after this weekend.  I'll be back home for the first time since this idea launched and I'll get to see the Super Six in person.  I was sure I would have something good after that.  But still, there would be no new reading this week for the Questers (that's the name I just came up with to call fans of this blog.  You are Questers!)

Just then, Mike sends me a txt saying he has another blog to donate to the cause.  Right when we needed it. Perfect timing.  Well played, Universe.  Well played.

Take it away, Mike.

I am a numbers guy.  I have always liked math and there is a reason I am an actuary and not an English teacher.  Sometimes you just go with your strengths and don’t paddle against the current (Like that canoeing analogy?).  Today’s blog is about numbers so let’s get to them.

I recently read an article where the author asked, “How old would you be if you did not know your age?”  In other words, how old do you feel? I thought back to this question recently after attending Greg’s 30^th birthday party.  As we talked about the upcoming adventure we realized that our youngest member (Greg) is older than our predecessor’s oldest member (Dad at 29).  I am not sure if this means anything, but where did the time go and how did we get around to embarking on this adventure 20 years later than we should have?

Sometime during my youth I saw an article in the Sunday paper’s Parade Magazine about a method of approximating some unknown number.  I wish I could remember the name of the man or his theory but time and/or bourbon have taken those from me.  Anyway, he theorized that you could derive a fairly good estimate by making several assumptions and his premise was that the bad assumptions would cancel each other out. The example he used was a determination of the number of piano tuners in Chicago.  He started with the population of Chicago then made assumptions such as, what percentage of the population owned a piano, how often does a piano need to be tuned, what does it cost to tune a piano, how much must a piano tuner make in a year to survive, and so on.  Don’t recall his answer (probably the bourbon again) but he counted the number of piano tuners listed in the Yellow Pages and found that he was fairly close.

I have undertaken a similar estimate for our upcoming trip.  We figure that we have 120 - 130 miles to cover.  If we can paddle in a straight line it will be closer to 120.  If our tracking looks like Billy Joel and Lindsay Lohan trying to drive Mark’s 72 Datsun pickup then the distance will be closer to 130 miles.  Using some estimates of travel speed, paddling rate, and time on the river I believe that we are going to paddle approximately 130,000 times during the trip.  This is not a combined figure, it is 130,000 each.  

I don’t know how many numbers there are in the universe, but I am sure it is a lot.  So how do we get to know the number 130,000?  I will try to quantify it.  For example, it would take a person almost 356 years to see 130,000 sunsets.  If you eat 3 times a day it would take you almost 119 years to enjoy 130,000 meals.  A few blogs ago we learned that Greg’s primary concern for the trip is beer.  If Greg were to drink a six-pack of beer every day it would take him over 59 years to drink 130,000 beers.  Then, if Greg decided to stack his empty cans on top of each other the tower would be over 10 miles high.

So, I am not sure if 130,000 is a big number but I am pretty positive it is.  To answer the question I opened with, my guess is that we will all feel like we are 25 years old when we start our journey and feel like 75 when we finish.  All we can do is pack the Icy-Hot and Advil and hope we don’t complete the trip as Grumpy Old Men.

Yay. Rain...

 "I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite awhile." - Carl Spackler

We have a rain noise maker in our house.  You turn it on and it is an endless loop of gentle rain sounds that help you drift off into a peaceful slumber.  This morning as I lie in bed half awake listening to the rain maker I realized two things.  One, the rain sounds help you to stay in bed as well (or maybe even better!) than helping you fall asleep.  Two, it wasn't on.  I was hearing real rain.  Steady,  all day kinda rain.  It hasn't rained much yet this spring and I hadn't really thought about it too much.  Rain.

Bigfoot, bears, snakes and amorous hillbillies aside, rain is what I am most concerned about.   Not just getting wet either.  Not that I'm looking forward to that at all.  It's the morale drain that rain can bring.  If it rains on us the first two days then we still have two days of rain, and that is a lot of damn rain!

My only real memory of the original trip is sitting in a car at a boat launch.  The windows are fogged up and it is a straight downpour.  Out of the foggy rain soaked haze one canoe, then two, silently cut through the water and slowly paddle to the dock.  No fan fare of any kind.  I remember some of us were hoping we'd get to go for a ride in the boats...

Mike, Mark and myself to be exact.  I'm sure we discussed our whole plan while at Sunday School.  When we weren't learning about Jesus at Sunday School the three of us were usually up to no good.  Keep in mind our mothers tried.  A lot.  Unfortunately, the call of some unexplored area around the little country church that required planning and usually some hand drawn map or the torment of some pre-teen girls was just too much temptation to resist... especially for Mark.

Back to the boat dock:  As we all waited for our spin around the river in the canoes, I'm certain we were all just running endlessly at the mouth describing the bravado and "daring do" that was about to commence.  Until we saw them.  Rarely as a child was I silent.  The somber beer-less quartet made their way to dry land and the crowd was hushed.

THAT is what I want to avoid.  Four days of misery.  I know we have been discussing it and even expecting it but, even still, I hope for dry-ish weather.  Because draped in a trash bag wearing swimming trunks is NOT how I want to meet Bigfoot!


Carl Spackler was Bill Murray's character from the movie  Caddy Shack.

Bucket List?

I couldn't be happier to introduce my first ever Guest Blogger!  Ladies and Gentleman, my fellow ill advised canoeist and cousin,  Mike.

 

I want to start by thanking Patrick for allowing me this opportunity to guest blog.  I appreciate it, Cuz!

My second order of business is to straighten out an ill guided misconception.  We have a running email chain used for a mix of communication, planning and taking pot shots at each other.  As I write this we are just under three months from our trip.  We have two of our three needed canoes, a trailer for hauling the canoes, transportation arrangements, supply lists and some of the Deliverance characters have been assigned.  However, let’s straighten out one thing from the email chain.  I do not want to see Greg in a Speedo and I certainly do not want to see him naked.  There, I feel better!

Since The Bucket List came out in 2007, I have wondered what the appropriate age for starting a bucket list is.  If you start it too early the list will be too long and overwhelming.  If you start it too late then you do not have enough time to cross-off all of your items.  As an actuary, there is a common misconception that I have insight into this matter.  While I can tell you when you are supposed to die, only the good Lord knows when you are actually going to die.  Sorry folks, no help here.

I am coming to realize that we don’t always start our bucket list; sometimes it is started for us.  Like in the movie, diagnosis of a terminal illness is certainly one of these situations.  Sometimes the stars simply align and suddenly you are knee deep into your list.  I believe this second scenario is happening to me.

The summer of 2013 may see three items get crossed off my list.

• While doing the canoe trip has been mentioned many times in the past, we are finally going to make it happen.  Cross off -1.
• Beth and I are not “cruise people” so we decided years ago that if we do a cruise we are going to do an Alaska cruise.  Later this summer, this item will get crossed off the list as well.  Cross off – 2.
• This past Christmas, in lieu of gifts, I asked for money to put towards another one of my dreams.  Sometime before the leaves turn this fall I am going to jump out of an airplane.  Cross off – 3.

Perhaps other forces are at work here as well.  As most of you know, the ‘Uncle Bruce’ that Patrick mentioned in his initial blog is my Dad.  He loved to canoe, so much so that at one point in time we owned not only one, but two canoes.  The canoe I will be using is actually Dad’s.  When I bought our first camping trailer (about 10 years ago) I asked Dad if I could borrow the canoe to take along on those camping trips.  At the end of the summer when I mentioned that I would be bringing it back, he simply said, “Keep it, if I need it I will come get it.”  That canoe, along with Dad’s golf clubs (borrowed/given in a similar manner), are two of my most prized possessions.

I believe that this trip will be a microcosm of life.  Uncle Harry and Uncle Jim have both warned us that parts of the trip are going to suck.  It may rain, it may be hot or it may be cold.  Only time will tell.  I believe much of the trip will be enjoyable and as long as the good outweighs the bad that is all you can ask for.  I have faith that this will hold true because this family certainly knows how to have fun.  Any time we are all together laughter is often a dominate component of our gathering.  One of my lasting memories of Dad comes from this past year’s Family Christmas Party.  We were telling school bus stories when I commented about Mom’s (sorry Mom) bus driver smacking the horse across the ass before they had a chance to sit down.  Amidst the deafening roar of laughter I looked across the room to see Dad almost doubled over as he was laughing so hard.  This is one of the images that I will carry forever.

Part of me wishes we had done this trip while Dad was still alive so he could see his two sons retrace his steps.  However, I have no doubt that he will be with us.  Given his poor heath these last few years perhaps it is actually better this way.  Now, he can enjoy the entire trip instead of simply observing it from a car or truck on the banks of the river.

In closing, there are three things I hope for from this trip:

·         First and foremost, I hope we all survive.  Don’t worry, I have reviewed the mortality tables and we are in good shape.

·         Second, I hope that we create memories and stories that are told and retold for many years to come.

·         Lastly, I hope we make Dad laugh.

And Then There Were Six

Of the group, I live the furthest away from everyone else.  Over the years I have had to miss out on hundreds of birthdays, surprise parties, weddings, moving couches and other general type merriment.  It is the one thing that sucks about living many hours away, I don't get to see my family.   When we do get home, it's usually a big holiday or event type thing and as awesome as it is, it's never enough.  Last week I missed another gathering and apparently River Quest '13 is quite the hit.  So much so that we have two more poor souls volunteering for   "all the fun."

I know I have been pretty clear in my predictions on "fun" and so have the other three knuckle heads.  So for two more to join up is quite extraordinary really.  I have viewed both of these guys as relatively intelligent.  I may have to reconsider that previous assessment!  All kidding aside I'm very happy to welcome Greg, my cousin Chasity's husband and Rob, my cousin Jana's husband and Seth's brother-in-law.

Rob has already called dibs on being the "Burt Reynolds" of this Deliverance trip.  I guess that leaves Ned Beatty's role up in the air.  Honestly, I hope it doesn't come to that but I'm sure it will be Mark... umm...  I mean we can vote on it.

Greg brings some much needed youth to this trip and with youth comes innovation.  His first question was whether we should put the important camp stuff (beer) in a separate raft to tow behind incase of a capsize that way the important camp stuff (Beer) won't be lost.   We could also tie fishing bobbers on the the important camp stuff (BEER)  so even if the floating beer trailer goes under we can still salvage the important camp stuff (BEER!)  Think Greg is looking forward to cracking a few cold ones?

Cold beers, cigars and cans of beans.  I think this is what we have in mind for the camping portion of our show.  I hope it actually stops raining long enough to build a fire.  Cold beans and soggy cigars doesn't sound as awesome, although it is more probable.  Even under the likely conditions I'm looking forward to getting to know Rob and Greg a little better.  They married in to the family after I left town.  I mean yeah, I know them, but really,  just barely.  Four days of rowing and cold beans should bring us all together!  

For me, maybe that's what this is all about. Bringing the whole family together, even for just a little while, to share some misery, fun and hopefully some stories that will stand the test of time.

Paddle faster, I hear banjo music.

Do Bears Swim?

So I was telling a friend of mine about this adventure that we are going to partake in and he asks me "What are you going to do about bears?"

I pause then re-explain that we'll be in canoes.  "We're NOT hiking," I say almost smugly, "are the bears going to swim out and get us???"  Jeez... I think to my self.  Swimming bear attacks...  City folk.

He replies with the obvious, which I had been missing up until this point, "Are't you tent sleeping in the wilderness?  For several days?"  Oh... yeah...  I kinda forgot about that part.  I really had just been thinking about the 25 miles a day canoeing and bug bites and sunburn and constant rain.  Sweet.  Bears...

Of the four of us who are currently going (I keep hearing we're getting some more but we'll see...)  None of us are exactly Grizzly Adams*,  granted  we all grew up in the country and certainly spent our share of time outside camping, hiking, catching frogs, hunting, fishing and general country boy type of stuff.  That, for me at least, has been a LOOONG time ago.  I still like all that stuff... I also like log cabins, hot and cold running water, s'mores and wifi.  You'll notice I did not put either snakes or bears on my list of likes.  Granted it is a short list.  "Maybe he didn't have room to list all of his likes" you think to yourself.  You would be right.  I like a lot of stuff that's not on that list.  I don't care how long the list is though, you won't see snakes and bears on there!  Hate stupid snakes...

We are keeping an ongoing email back and forth full of everything from packing ideas, logistics, predictions of misery and general shenanigans.  The one this morning from Mike talked of shovels and Average Rowing Miles per day.  30, if you're wondering.  Per day.  Note to self:  Pack Advil.  A lot.

He also said Mark would be best suited to search for Bigfoot.  I can only assume he means the monster and not the monster truck.  Mark actually would be best suited for either eventuality now that I think about it.

Mark probably has the most recent tent camping experience of all of us and he is also VERY experienced in... best way to put this...  using the bathroom without a bathroom.  Very experienced.

Knowing Mark, he is more than likely friends with all of the swimming bears in a 100 mile radius:  "Hey Look!  It's Schwimmy the Bear!  Moooooo!"

*Grizzly Adams was a TV show in the late 70's about a guy and an Native American and a crazy prospector in the the 1800's that basically fought crime in the mountains and protected the wildlife.